Well, it is about 1:34am and I cannot sleep. I have been having a hard time getting to sleep the past 2-3 weeks and it's rather annoying. I have always been able to order my mind to shut off and go to sleep, but lately I find though I still do so, it starts up a few minutes later and I'm back to being awake. I got tired of just laying in bed for hours so I decided to get up and try to occupy my mind instead of mulling things over and over again.
This has been a rough past week or so...Various irritations caused Tim and I to get into a pretty big argument - and for the first time in the whole span of our relationship we went to sleep still rather peeved with each other. I think this is because I have just had enough of trying to keep things okay all the time and decided that it was his turn to fix his problem. Well... :/
Tim woke up fine and happy the next morning so I decided to let it drop and take Mom's good advice to just put a "pause" on these particular issues and wait until we are in a place that we are getting SOME sort of input. This will be a wonderful thing because, really, we have not had any real input into our relationship since we got married. And it is beginning to show...I think I've taught Tim everything he can learn from me and now he needs to learn on his own - and he can't do that down here with no examples to follow. Heck, I need to learn stuff too, and I'm looking forward to getting some new insights and tools as well. Thank God, thank GOD we are FINALLY getting OUT OF HERE!
Another frustration is that we've decided we won't be able to come home for Christmas...again. This is the 4th Christmas that we will be alone. What with the move coming up, and the exorbitant prices on tickets in December, we just can't make it up there. *Sighs.* It's rather sad because I've noticed over the past couple of holiday seasons that Christmas carols make me choke up now...especially "I'll be home for Christmas" and "Have yourself a merry little Christmas". Yuck.
On the up side, we're going to be having a bunch of our single friends over for Thanksgiving again this year. It should be a lot of fun. I'm getting quite proficient at the whole feast making thing, if I do say so myself, after doing it by alone for 4 years. :)
We found out for sure that we do have to re-enlist for the base of preference rather then just do an extension, so that at least is decided. Tim's commander signed his paperwork so now Tim pretty much just needs to sign the re-enlistment papers and we'll be home in February. His official report date is February 28th, and our date of departure from Warner Robins is set for February 22. There is still a small chance we could be up there earlier then that, but I'm not going to plan on it. One thing I am thrilled about is that since this move is sanctioned by the military, we are going to have movers come and actually pack, box, and load our stuff for us! Yay, I don't have to do it this time! lol. I just have to over-see, co-ordinate, and then clean. Happy day. :)
Oh, I cannot express how much, how much I am looking forward to being back in Washington. Not only will I be near family and old friends, but I can finally, finally be ME again. I can go to school, I can get a job, I can hike, I can camp, I can ride, I can swim, I can work (you have NO idea how much I miss manual labor - I can't wait to buck a bale again), I can stand outside and smell the fresh air, feel a fresh breeze, pit myself against nature - be one with it and be outdoors without people staring at me, without people slowing down in their cars as they drive past so they can watch me, without strangers constantly trying to talk to me, without feeling like a fish in a fish tank. I can walk through the store without having black people trying to run me over just because I'm white. I can walk down a street without having to worry I might accidentally end up in the "hood" and get threatened just for being white. I can be around people who think the same way I do. I can finally re-define who I really am...in my element, in my world, with choice. Ah, the freedom of that...that feeling will be indescribable.
I really feel like I am stuffed in a tiny box with hardly an air hole and the lid is just starting to crack. The joy of it! These past 3+ years have not let me be me. Looking back on them I can hardly remember any of it. If you take away everything that makes a person feel alive - every single opportunity, and joy - time just goes by. That's been my mantra, 'time goes by. Just wait 'til it brings something back into your life that makes it worth the effort.' Finally, finally, it looks like I will actually be able to do something with my time!
If you don't understand what I say, or think I'm being overly dramatic, that's fine. I'm not. :) If you think this misery of 3 years has all been my attitude, that's fine. It's not. :) If you think that I could have done more, that's fine. You're right. But I refused to settle for this poor excuse for a life down here - where the highest aspiration available is to decide which restaurant to go to this weekend or which movie to see. Those pithy expressions "It's all in your attitude", and "Life is what you make it" are great. If I had chosen to be content with eating, watching movies, and sweating in the air-conditioned, smelly humidity, I would have been very happy here.
Yes, I could have gotten a job. I did not for 3 reasons: 1) I was constantly traveling to and from Washington for weeks at a time. 2) The few times I wasn't planning a trip to Washington, there were very few jobs available (there is an incredible unemployment rate here). 3) I did not/do not want to work at a restaurant again...I really dislike that line of work and the employers who tend to be in it. For those who sit in judgment on why I did not get a job, those are my reasons. I don't care if you agree or not or like them. Condemn if you must - you haven't been here or experienced the deep South and it's culture as a 19-22 year old transplanted alone without an accessible support system.
I am, as of this moment, officially washing my hands of any and all judgements and condescension that may have occurred over the past few years. I am taking that weight off my shoulders because I do not have to carry the burden of a lack of information or understanding by others. I name no one who has done this, and I am not saying that you, reader, have done this. I am saying that this has happened and I refuse to carry the burden any longer. If a person has not lived my life, or a life very similar to it, I feel a person cannot justly make judgments on it. I chalk any such judgements up to ignorance and/or inexperience.
I feel I have done an adequate job with what was allowed me. I have made sure that I have experienced and seen all I wanted to experience and see in the South.
To be clear, my life over the past 3 years is by no means on par with some of the miseries that are out there and for that I am grateful. Boredom and stagnation have been my only enemies, and I hope everyone who reads this knows that I in no way think I am some poor victim! On the grand scale of things, my complaints are small. But I am ready to get on with my life. I'm ready to live it. I am so, SO excited that I am finally being allowed to.
This is finished - this saga and time of my life is coming to an end. Thank God.
This has been a rough past week or so...Various irritations caused Tim and I to get into a pretty big argument - and for the first time in the whole span of our relationship we went to sleep still rather peeved with each other. I think this is because I have just had enough of trying to keep things okay all the time and decided that it was his turn to fix his problem. Well... :/
Tim woke up fine and happy the next morning so I decided to let it drop and take Mom's good advice to just put a "pause" on these particular issues and wait until we are in a place that we are getting SOME sort of input. This will be a wonderful thing because, really, we have not had any real input into our relationship since we got married. And it is beginning to show...I think I've taught Tim everything he can learn from me and now he needs to learn on his own - and he can't do that down here with no examples to follow. Heck, I need to learn stuff too, and I'm looking forward to getting some new insights and tools as well. Thank God, thank GOD we are FINALLY getting OUT OF HERE!
Another frustration is that we've decided we won't be able to come home for Christmas...again. This is the 4th Christmas that we will be alone. What with the move coming up, and the exorbitant prices on tickets in December, we just can't make it up there. *Sighs.* It's rather sad because I've noticed over the past couple of holiday seasons that Christmas carols make me choke up now...especially "I'll be home for Christmas" and "Have yourself a merry little Christmas". Yuck.
On the up side, we're going to be having a bunch of our single friends over for Thanksgiving again this year. It should be a lot of fun. I'm getting quite proficient at the whole feast making thing, if I do say so myself, after doing it by alone for 4 years. :)
We found out for sure that we do have to re-enlist for the base of preference rather then just do an extension, so that at least is decided. Tim's commander signed his paperwork so now Tim pretty much just needs to sign the re-enlistment papers and we'll be home in February. His official report date is February 28th, and our date of departure from Warner Robins is set for February 22. There is still a small chance we could be up there earlier then that, but I'm not going to plan on it. One thing I am thrilled about is that since this move is sanctioned by the military, we are going to have movers come and actually pack, box, and load our stuff for us! Yay, I don't have to do it this time! lol. I just have to over-see, co-ordinate, and then clean. Happy day. :)
Oh, I cannot express how much, how much I am looking forward to being back in Washington. Not only will I be near family and old friends, but I can finally, finally be ME again. I can go to school, I can get a job, I can hike, I can camp, I can ride, I can swim, I can work (you have NO idea how much I miss manual labor - I can't wait to buck a bale again), I can stand outside and smell the fresh air, feel a fresh breeze, pit myself against nature - be one with it and be outdoors without people staring at me, without people slowing down in their cars as they drive past so they can watch me, without strangers constantly trying to talk to me, without feeling like a fish in a fish tank. I can walk through the store without having black people trying to run me over just because I'm white. I can walk down a street without having to worry I might accidentally end up in the "hood" and get threatened just for being white. I can be around people who think the same way I do. I can finally re-define who I really am...in my element, in my world, with choice. Ah, the freedom of that...that feeling will be indescribable.
I really feel like I am stuffed in a tiny box with hardly an air hole and the lid is just starting to crack. The joy of it! These past 3+ years have not let me be me. Looking back on them I can hardly remember any of it. If you take away everything that makes a person feel alive - every single opportunity, and joy - time just goes by. That's been my mantra, 'time goes by. Just wait 'til it brings something back into your life that makes it worth the effort.' Finally, finally, it looks like I will actually be able to do something with my time!
If you don't understand what I say, or think I'm being overly dramatic, that's fine. I'm not. :) If you think this misery of 3 years has all been my attitude, that's fine. It's not. :) If you think that I could have done more, that's fine. You're right. But I refused to settle for this poor excuse for a life down here - where the highest aspiration available is to decide which restaurant to go to this weekend or which movie to see. Those pithy expressions "It's all in your attitude", and "Life is what you make it" are great. If I had chosen to be content with eating, watching movies, and sweating in the air-conditioned, smelly humidity, I would have been very happy here.
Yes, I could have gotten a job. I did not for 3 reasons: 1) I was constantly traveling to and from Washington for weeks at a time. 2) The few times I wasn't planning a trip to Washington, there were very few jobs available (there is an incredible unemployment rate here). 3) I did not/do not want to work at a restaurant again...I really dislike that line of work and the employers who tend to be in it. For those who sit in judgment on why I did not get a job, those are my reasons. I don't care if you agree or not or like them. Condemn if you must - you haven't been here or experienced the deep South and it's culture as a 19-22 year old transplanted alone without an accessible support system.
I am, as of this moment, officially washing my hands of any and all judgements and condescension that may have occurred over the past few years. I am taking that weight off my shoulders because I do not have to carry the burden of a lack of information or understanding by others. I name no one who has done this, and I am not saying that you, reader, have done this. I am saying that this has happened and I refuse to carry the burden any longer. If a person has not lived my life, or a life very similar to it, I feel a person cannot justly make judgments on it. I chalk any such judgements up to ignorance and/or inexperience.
I feel I have done an adequate job with what was allowed me. I have made sure that I have experienced and seen all I wanted to experience and see in the South.
To be clear, my life over the past 3 years is by no means on par with some of the miseries that are out there and for that I am grateful. Boredom and stagnation have been my only enemies, and I hope everyone who reads this knows that I in no way think I am some poor victim! On the grand scale of things, my complaints are small. But I am ready to get on with my life. I'm ready to live it. I am so, SO excited that I am finally being allowed to.
This is finished - this saga and time of my life is coming to an end. Thank God.
November 7, 2007 at 10:42 PM
you bet "thank god" you are coming home. you have been so missed... but I want to thank you for the adventures you afforded Dad and I. getting to know the south, for better - for worse. I feel like we really know it. i don't beleive these 3 years you have been stagnant. people are never static. you have grown, and experienced a unique life. You have begun marriage and adulthood in a most unique way. none of us are familiar with what military life means. perhaps know you can tell us and others. all you have done/endured/experienced/explored these past 3 years will tell its tale some day. It may be awhile... no worries. loving you.
November 8, 2007 at 11:28 AM
Oh, what a feeling! This must be the greatest kind of anticipation. :) I am soooo excited to have you home.
We don't often steel ourselves for the obstacle of boredom and aloneness in our lives.... It's not something people warn us about. I agree, unless we've been there, we cannot presume to know how we ourselves would handle it.
What a slippery foe boredom/aloneness must be! I picture it's attacks coming from behind rather than your front, stealthy and urelenting and unanticipated. Your dragon has not been easy to slay. Especially since it was as big as 3 years.
A thought: Solitary confinement is an effective form of torture. It's meant to be a greenhouse for boredom and lonliness. Now, thank God, Holly & Tim haven't reached the full boil that actual solitary confinement brings about, but their pot has been steaming and simmering for 3 years. I am so thankful that change is coming!!
Love you, Holly.